On Death

I went to a visitation for a friend of mine that died last night. He worked in the lab I used to work in, and was quite old. I think it's very possible working in the lab was one of the things that was keeping him alive, and I am sad to see him go. He was a genuinely nice guy.

As we were driving home (I'd gone with my mom), she wondered aloud if people's spirits hung around watching their visitations/funerals, like seeing who showed up or who cried or whatever. Or if maybe they just didn't care, like whatever I've moved on now. She asked me what I thought. I don't think she liked my answer very much.

What I told to her was that I didn't think there was anything in particular after death. That there was, as a friend put it, an eternity of not existing before I became me, and there is probably an eternity of not existing which will follow after I have stopped being me.

This is not to say that I don't like to think something exists after death, because I do. I just don't see that it's very probable. It's always been one of those things which is very difficult for me to grasp, the thought of something beyond death. She cited that obviously a Creator who went through all the trouble of creating this world for us and giving us life wouldn't just have nothing for us afterward. But, I suppose this view by necessity requires one to believe in a Creator, a god of one sort or another, and also believe that the god is benevolent or actually cares that much about any of us and is not care-taking, say, a human fish tank, where we just get flushed down the toilet.

It is difficult for me to believe either way on the matter of a god existing or not existing. There is a lot in this world that I feel like could really only exist or happen with some outside force interfering. On the other hand, grasping that some all-knowing entity watches over us and has designs on our every move before, during, and after our lives seems a liiiittle far fetched. I'd like to believe something exists after death; not because I am afraid of not existing, but because I enjoy existing and would like to do so again. Maybe as a boy, or a cat, or a hawk. But if not, I feel that I've come to terms with that as well.

I intend to live this life to the fullest extent possible, and if I get another shot, cool. If not, well, I will have done well and enjoyed what I was given and what I was able to find.